There are two types of people when it comes to sex: comfort creatures and thrill seekers.
Comfort creatures tend to prefer to keep sex within the comfort of their own homes, with one partner, sticking to a few tried and true positions and routines. And as the name suggests, thrill seekers are just the opposite. They want new positions and toys, different partners or locations, and more sex. In general, a couple made up of two comfort creatures or two thrill seekers has it easy: They're on the same page, sexually.
But what happens when a comfort creature falls for a thrill seeker, or vice versa?
At Good in Bed, we know that sexual incompatibility can have a real impact on your relationship. Perhaps your significant other loves to talk about sex, while the very word makes you blush. So how to deal when the person you love has a drastically different sex style?
1.) Understand it's their brain chemistry, not you
According to "Psychology Today," one factor that may prove unifying or divisive to a couple is the degree to which their nervous systems are naturally inclined to pursue novel and stimulating experiences.
"A person's inherent need for sensation is not necessarily obvious in the early stages of a relationship, when love itself is a novelty and carries its own thrills; it's when the sex becomes routine that problems occur," says Marvin Zuckerman, a psychologist at the University of Delaware.
It's more common than you think, but most couples don't realize they're sexually different until much further along in their relationship. That's because, in the beginning, you've both been hijacked by a potent neurochemical cocktail of "infatuation hormones" that's responsible for your constant canoodling -- and that masks any differences in the bedroom. You're so busy getting busy that you probably won't notice potential sexual incompatibility until your infatuation starts to wane.
These hormones can also mask other differences in a relationship, from how often you like to have sex to whether or not you enjoy public displays of affection.
2.) Don't be afraid to talk it out
The key to success is communication: Talk with your partner about your sex life, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, and agree to make some compromises. Comfort creatures can venture out of their shells a bit, and thrill seekers can focus on the benefits within their existing relationship. Being too introverted and fearful of change may be a detriment to your relationship, according to two studies published in the May 2010 issue of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Researchers found that shy people have more marital strife than their less-timid peers, possibly because they feel less confident dealing with the inevitable problems that accompany long-term relationships.
3.) Engage in fantasy with each other
Dating a thrill seeker and don't want him to get bored? Take a tip from a recent study at the University of British Columbia and harness the power of fantasy. Researchers found that longtime couples were best able to rekindle romance by pretending they were strangers on a first date. So experiment with wigs and different outfits, assume an alias, and meet your partner at a local restaurant or bar for a rendezvous. You'll get variety and safety -- and a hot new way to compromise. If you need some sexy inspiration, check out our Good in Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex.
For many couples, it's not about being totally "lights on" or totally "lights off." It's more about finding a middle ground -- your own personal dimmer switch.
